29 Jul How Girls Can Create Healthy Female Friendships
Gossip, the silent treatment, social exclusionâŚhow can girls learn to create healthier female friendships?
âHands up if you have arrived at school and your friend is not talking to youâ â seven of the 10 girls aged six to eight raise their hands. They are at a GirlPower âFuzzies and Friendsâ workshop for Years 1-2 girls in Sydney. Their mothers or female carers (and one dad) are next to them.
âHave you ever been told, âJust ignore herâ?â Six hands go up. âIt never works, does it?â says the workshop presenter. The girls and carers shake their heads.
Using a series of hypotheticals, like âThe Case of the Birthday Party Blow-upâ and âThe Case of the Cool New Coolthingyâ, the presenter then gets the girls to role-play solutions:
âLook at my cool new coolthingy!â
âThatâs so cool! Can I play with your coolthingy?â
âNo way!â
âIf you donât let me play with it, Iâm not going to be your friend!â
A âFriendship Fireâ˘â ignites. The presenter gives the girls a tool to put it out: âSay in a calm, serious voice, âI donât like how what you said made me feelâ. If the girl replies, âI donât careâ, say, âI can see youâre not ready to talk about this right now. Come back to me when youâre ready to talkâ and walk awayâ. This teaches the other girl that their behaviour isnât accepted. âEvery parent looks at me as if to say, âReally? Thatâs really going to work?â but it does!â
The presenter also role-plays a positive way through the coolthingy case. âSay âbecauseâ and be honest,â she advises. âFor example, âbecause my grandmother made it especially for me, I donât want to share it with everyone, because it will get brokenâ. Donât make something up.â
GirlPower introduces girls to some seemingly simple yet instantly relatable and practicable âFriendship Factsâ that lighten the pressure girls often feel in their friendships, such as âno friendship is perfectâ and âevery friendship is differentâ. The Friendship Fact â âtrust and respect are the two most important qualities of a friendshipâ â teaches girls how to assess their existing friendships, and understand why some friendships work better than others.
The presenter also advises against that second âFâ in BFFs. âFriendships change and thatâs OK. You donât know whatâs going to happen when youâre 10, 20, 50 or 100. Some of the worst Friendship Fires⢠are from girls who feel trapped in a BFF relationship that no longer supports them.â
Stephanie attended Fuzzies and Friends with her six-year-old daughter. âItâs so important to learn these skills,â she says. âYou can bold and underline that three times. This age is perfect.â Natalie, who went along with her eight-year-old daughter, says the workshop was excellent. âItâs a good conversation starter for how to deal with these things.â
Like many mothers, Rona, who attended the class with her seven-year-old daughter, learned from the workshop herself. âI was an only child and so is my daughter. Learning to resolve conflict doesnât come naturally.â
âTelling your daughter to âgo tell the teacherâ or âfind someone else to play withâ when sheâs being teased at school doesnât work,â
says Jane*, mum to six-year-old Juliet*. âThe program taught Juliet how to have conversations with girls when theyâre being mean. She has learned how to stand up for herself, diffuse the conflict and respectfully communicate that being mean is not going to fly.â
Director of the InsideOut leadership and wellbeing program at Perth College, Dr. Deb Perich, is GirlPowerâs lead presenter in Australia. âWe trialled a workshop in 2011 with their Year 5 and 6 classes, and instantly saw the benefits,â she says. âFriendship issues and playground disputes decreased. Girls were better able to concentrate in the classroom. Overall, there was a friendlier atmosphere.â
âWe have since implemented the full suite of workshops in Years 1-7, and we embed the GirlPower language into our pastoral care programs and camps,â says Deb. âThe key benefit is that girls, teachers and parents have a common language for talking about feelings and friendships. Demand over the last three years has tripled. We had more than 1,000 parents and children participate just in the month of May.â
Dana Kerford, Canadian teacher and founder of the GirlPower and GoodGuys friendship programs, shares her insights on friendships:
How are girls’ relationships different to boysâ?
- Little conflicts may not faze boys. Girls, however, can turn the tiniest rift into a major issue by avoiding confrontation and seeking comfort in alliance-building.
- During conflict, boys are more likely to escalate; they get bigger and bigger, their face turns red, and they become visibly angry. Girls are more likely to shut down; some become speechless, shrinking in their seat, and getting smaller in voice and body language.
- Boys need less time to put out a Friendship Fireâ˘Â compared to girls. Girls say an average 20,000 words a day, while boys say only 7,000! Some girls spend a very, very long time in the critical âTalk it Outâ phase. Boys can talk it out in just a few minutes, sometimes while kicking a ball around.
In our program development, there were some shocking admissions:
- I asked the boys to raise their hand if theyâd ever been told, âSuck it up. Be a man!â â almost all of them did.
- I asked the boys, âIs it okay for boys to cry?â â about half shouted, âNo!â
- I asked if the advice from an adult about resolving a Friendship Fireâ˘Â was to push and punch â about 75 percent said yes.
Are there any other strategies parents can use to help their children manage conflict?
Kids donât naturally know the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships, so we use a visual tool called the Friend-o-meter. We compare a friendship to food. âHow does healthy food make us feel?â Kids give amazing answers like, âIt gives us energy!â Healthy friendships are the same. Unhealthy friendships give us a stomach-ache. We tell kids to spend the most time with friends that make them feel good.
What can we do as parents to support our children in their friendships?
- Avoid telling girls to, âJust ignore her!â (avoid conflict) and saying, âSheâs just jealous!â (insult the other girl).
- Avoid telling boys to, âSuck it up!â (avoid conflict) and, âBe a man!â (emasculate emotions).
- Children donât want their parents to call the other kidâs parents. Encourage your child from the sidelines. Donât ride that rollercoaster with them, and for the love of pizza, donât say anything inappropriate about the other child.
- When girls see their mums whispering or gossiping with their friends, they think thatâs what girls/women do. When boys see their dads emotionally unavailable or physically aggressive, they follow suit.
- Teach your child to give a genuine apology. When children donât learn how to âmake it rightâ, they can resort to inappropriate behaviours like running away or getting angry.
Find Out More
GirlPower and its counterpart for boys, GoodGuys, was developed in 2009 by Canadian teacher, Dana Kerford, when she realised the Year 4 girls in her class needed help navigating friendships. So in demand has the program been since she brought it to Australia several years ago, that Dana and her husband and their two children, seven and four, relocated to Sydney in January 2017.
To attend a community workshop in Sydney or Perth, or to book an in-school session anywhere in Australia, contact UrStrong.
Dana recommends Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons on the âhidden culture of female aggressionâ; and Deep Secrets: Boysâ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection by Niobe Way.
Words by Natalie Ritchie