05 Aug Is Your Child Transgender?
What would you do if your child rejected the gender they were born with? Assigned male at birth, Sally Goldner knew she was female at four years old. She went to an all-boys school and remembers walking into a classroom of 20 boys and thinking âI know theyâre not like me.â
Sally didnât transition until she was 32. To her, parentsâ unconditional love and support is the underlying basis for a happy transgender child.
Now Transgender Victoriaâs Executive Director, Sally says when we tell children âYouâre too young to know anythingâ, we are denying them a voice. The real harm can occur when kids bottle it all up. âWe live in this world where we think children are innocent for 17 years and 364 days, and then the awareness fairy sprinkles something and they wake up.â
Transgender children want the same things as other children: love, acceptance and inclusion.
Isla and Kobeâs Story
When my son Kobe wore a dress to daycare daily, I thought âCute! Itâs a bit of a phaseâ. At two, he was a happy laughing child, but by the age of four, some days he would sit in a corner, very angry and tense, and say âI canât go anywhereâ.
After years of battles over clothes, I blurted out one day, âWhat if I bought you some girlsâ clothes?â. He looked at me like it was Christmas and said, “Yes, Mum, no more dress ups, I want real girls clothes.” When I asked why he hadnât asked for them before, he said âI didnât want to make you sad.â Thatâs where the process of transition slowly started. From then on, Kobe bought boys and girlsâ clothes 50/50, and made a rule that he dressed himself. I told him, âWe only go places where youâre happy and safe. You can wear what you want.â Before Kobe transitioned, things were bad.
He didnât like being a boy, going to the boysâ toilet. Kobe figured it out when he was six. She told herself âI want to be a girl so I can.â It doesnât matter what anyone says.
Six months through the first year of school last year, Kobe stated he wanted to change his name to Isla and wear dresses. From then on, she went to school as a girl. Islaâs father struggles to come to terms with the change.
With help from the Safe Schools Coalition, I sent a letter to all Year 1 and 2 students, and asked their older siblings to care for her in the playground.
Annabelle and Janeâs Story
At two, our child wanted hair clips, a pink scooter and strappy sandals, and got very upset whenever I tried to cut their hair short.
At three, I got questions like: âWill I get breasts? Will I get a vagina? Will I be able to grow a baby inside me?â
I didnât really know much about transgender experiences, but I was open to gender diversity so I asked my child if they wanted to start ballet classes as a girl and see how that felt. She was so excited. She wore a tutu and her hair up in pigtails, and had a grin from ear to ear.
From then on, Annabelle began wearing dresses at home, and later for her whole final year of day-care. She is a fairly shy girl, but two months into that year, when she had decided to change her name, she got up in class and told the kids her new name and why.
Annabelle has a close network of friends who know about her situation and are totally fine with it. Thatâs been good for her. She knows itâs not a bad secret. I tell her if she ever decides she wants to tell the kids at school, weâll help her when that time comes.
While she does worry a little about what the future holds, there is a beautiful side to having a transgender child.
Part of me is quite blessed to be trusted with this being in the world. And the transgender support community is great â people are so kind to each other.
Oliver and Sarahâs Story
Oliver had always known he was a boy. As Molly at his daycare where all the kids wear shorts and get muddy, he blended in, and at school many girls wore the shorts uniform.
It was only when he was forced to join the girlsâ group when schools and tennis classes sometimes divided the genders that he became unhappy. I planned it quite well. I contacted the Principal, and Safe Schools Coalition set up a meeting for us with the teachers to help make the shift to the new name and pronoun change, and to the boysâ toilets, sports and camps. We transitioned over the holidays at the end of Year 3 while camping with another family who knew. We had a celebratory dinner, and he started Year 4 as Oliver.
Starting school as Oliver was fine. The class even had a naming party and Sarah brought in a cake with his new name on it.
I emailed all the parents and was inundated with love and support. Oliver has never been bullied. The transition has been pretty smooth. Heâs quite comfortable with himself. I think itâs made him a bit more resilient and shown him who he is, which is a good thing.
Further information
For parents and kids seeking help, go to Transcend and Gender Help For Parents. Both sites link to support organisations in every state.
ACON have released a language guide to help people talk about gender diversity.
Transgender: An umbrella term for people whose gender differs to the one they were assigned at birth.
Non-binary: An term under the transgender umbrella for people who identify their gender outside of the male/female binary. They could identify as genderfluid (no fixed gender), agender (no gender identity) , transmasculine (do not necessarily identify as a man but are masculine presenting), transfeminine (do not necessarily identify as a woman but are feminine presenting).
The Gender Centre (NSW) publishes many fact sheets which outlines common gender variances along with other helpful resources for families.
Safe Schools Coalition, safeschoolscoalition.org.au also has many explanatory fact sheets and videos.
Words by Natalie Ritchie & Melissa Cowan